...It was really difficult. Seeing my friends get hurt, and knowing that if I came to help, I would just get in the way. I would have died, probably. But I still wanted to. And I regret not doing it.
[ People keep telling him to take care of himself and stop getting hurt and not to run towards death, but it's so hard, knowing you're going to die but there might still be a chance that you won't, when there's other people involved instead of just him and therefore its worth the risk. ]
[ he stays quiet for a bit before he rubs the back of his neck, heaving out a sigh ]
There's a middle ground between doing nothing in order to save yourself and helping others to your own detriment, you know. It's hard to find sometimes... Can't say I've always been the best at it myself. [ his tone's a bit wry ] No one's asking you to stand by and let other people get hurt. Nobody likes seeing their friends get hurt, so it's normal when you try an' stop it. But the way you feel right now, how you regret not helping 'cause we got hurt? That's how most of 'em feel when you get hurt.
[ 0 or 1000% with no in-between... It's always been a problem of his and he knows, as somebody who skews towards inaction and apathy, to get up and do something in a rare moment and it's always the wrong decision. It's something he's sort of accepted and learned to roll with it and move on very quickly, but the same feelings turned on others is... bad. He shakes his head, and shrugs helplessly. ]
I had the power to help and I didn't. That's why I feel regret. But for me... my injuries were a result of my decision. Trying to catch a thousand pound leg. Being too slow to avoid a gunshot. Not being careful where I walk. Those sorts of thing are nobody's fault but mine. There's no reason for anybody else to feel regret over it.
I'm... not hurting, though. I don't complain about it. I don't ever cry.
[ He never gives off the sense that he's hurt, even if it's evident just by looking at him. If he looks okay with it, logically, others should assume he's okay. Maybe that's the problem. Logic. ]
Just because someone isn't crying about it doesn't mean they're not hurting. [ he taps Minato's chest where his heart is ] For one thing, you can hurt in here without anyone ever seeing. People hide when they're hurt all the time, physically an' emotionally. That's just how they are.
I've always been selfish, so I can't say I get it. [ it's a bit wry, and definitely sounds like an inside joke with himself ] But I know plenty of people who care a lot less what happens to them than they do their friends. Right or wrong... I think there's flaws both ways.
[ he puts a hand to his own chest ]
You can lose a lot if you only think about yourself. But... If you don't care about yourself at all, that hurts the people around you anyway. [ he shrugs ] But you know that much, right? So... Why is it you don't care if anything happens to you?
[ He knows. People keep telling him, after all, about how much he's hurting others by disregarding himself. They keep trying to get through that thick skull of his, but... He can see that they're hurting, but he just can't care. ]
I guess it's because I'm not supposed to exist. Right before coming here, I— ...no, even before that... ten years ago. I was supposed to have died. I wasn't ever happy. Nothing was interesting. So I have nothing to lose, no matter what happened to me.
[ ... isn't that somewhat familiar, huh. he stays quiet to let minato talk. before he shares anything, he figures he might need... a little more context. ]
...Car accident. [ which, you know, maybe should've prompted him to wear his seat belt with Naminé from the start, and maybe he wouldn't have gotten into the second one ]
My parents died in it. And I sort of... got an immortal being shoved into my soul instead? It's kind of complicated.
[ He's pretty sure about that, less about his own situation. ]
I don't really understand all that well about the possession thing, but it's sort of like... the only reason I kept going all this time, was because there was something else there, telling me to. Screwing with my mind, or whatever.
[ ...Minato makes the heart shape with his hands too, like that'll help him understand any better. ]
I sorta get that. Feeling like I don't have a metaphysical heart... But yeah, I killed the soul monster. ...He was my best friend. My first friend. The closest thing to a friend.
[ Killing a friend, there's no way it could be anything but complicated. ]
He gave me a choice. If he lives, the world goes to hell and he would destroy it in a month's time. If he dies— and I'm the only one who could kill him... the world will be left alone and will return to peace, for a couple more months. Then everybody dies anyways.
[ Laid out like that, the choice seems simple. But he had to kill his friend. People keep leaving him and dying on him and abandoning him and the one time he's able to make a friend, he's forced to push them away with his own hand. It's unfair, and it's complicated. ]
[ he doesn't think it sounds simple. even when presented with an easier version of it-- axel never was able to commit to picking one friend over another, even with their lives on the line. ]
... Talk about a rock and a hard place. Those were your only options?
[ Either he kills him or he doesn't, right? There's no state that's in between that, where nobody has to die... that's what he kept telling himself. ]
I don't know... I had a month to think about it, but I couldn't come up with a way to save everybody. That second option wasn't supposed to be an option in the first place, but I was given it... so at least people will be at peace before they die.
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Yes.
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[ People keep telling him to take care of himself and stop getting hurt and not to run towards death, but it's so hard, knowing you're going to die but there might still be a chance that you won't, when there's other people involved instead of just him and therefore its worth the risk. ]
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There's a middle ground between doing nothing in order to save yourself and helping others to your own detriment, you know. It's hard to find sometimes... Can't say I've always been the best at it myself. [ his tone's a bit wry ] No one's asking you to stand by and let other people get hurt. Nobody likes seeing their friends get hurt, so it's normal when you try an' stop it. But the way you feel right now, how you regret not helping 'cause we got hurt? That's how most of 'em feel when you get hurt.
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I had the power to help and I didn't. That's why I feel regret. But for me... my injuries were a result of my decision. Trying to catch a thousand pound leg. Being too slow to avoid a gunshot. Not being careful where I walk. Those sorts of thing are nobody's fault but mine. There's no reason for anybody else to feel regret over it.
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[ he hums a bit ]
People don't want you to get hurt because they don't like seeing you hurting. That's all there is to it.
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[ He never gives off the sense that he's hurt, even if it's evident just by looking at him. If he looks okay with it, logically, others should assume he's okay. Maybe that's the problem. Logic. ]
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Just because someone isn't crying about it doesn't mean they're not hurting. [ he taps Minato's chest where his heart is ] For one thing, you can hurt in here without anyone ever seeing. People hide when they're hurt all the time, physically an' emotionally. That's just how they are.
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I get that. That sort of pain... I hurt for others all the time, but if it's myself... I really don't care. I know that's wrong. You know. Logically.
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[ he puts a hand to his own chest ]
You can lose a lot if you only think about yourself. But... If you don't care about yourself at all, that hurts the people around you anyway. [ he shrugs ] But you know that much, right? So... Why is it you don't care if anything happens to you?
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[ He knows. People keep telling him, after all, about how much he's hurting others by disregarding himself. They keep trying to get through that thick skull of his, but... He can see that they're hurting, but he just can't care. ]
I guess it's because I'm not supposed to exist. Right before coming here, I— ...no, even before that... ten years ago. I was supposed to have died. I wasn't ever happy. Nothing was interesting. So I have nothing to lose, no matter what happened to me.
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Whaddaya mean, you were "supposed to have died"?
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My parents died in it. And I sort of... got an immortal being shoved into my soul instead? It's kind of complicated.
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[ this is the best time to joke? always. ]
So you lived 'cause you got kinda possessed?
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[ He's pretty sure about that, less about his own situation. ]
I don't really understand all that well about the possession thing, but it's sort of like... the only reason I kept going all this time, was because there was something else there, telling me to. Screwing with my mind, or whatever.
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[ he makes a heart shape with his hands to make it weirder? ]
So ... is that thing gone now, then?
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I sorta get that. Feeling like I don't have a metaphysical heart... But yeah, I killed the soul monster. ...He was my best friend. My first friend. The closest thing to a friend.
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[ and so is minato's thing, apparently. he rubs the back of his neck ]
Why'd you do it?
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[ Killing a friend, there's no way it could be anything but complicated. ]
He gave me a choice. If he lives, the world goes to hell and he would destroy it in a month's time. If he dies— and I'm the only one who could kill him... the world will be left alone and will return to peace, for a couple more months. Then everybody dies anyways.
[ Laid out like that, the choice seems simple. But he had to kill his friend. People keep leaving him and dying on him and abandoning him and the one time he's able to make a friend, he's forced to push them away with his own hand. It's unfair, and it's complicated. ]
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... Talk about a rock and a hard place. Those were your only options?
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I don't know... I had a month to think about it, but I couldn't come up with a way to save everybody. That second option wasn't supposed to be an option in the first place, but I was given it... so at least people will be at peace before they die.
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Did I do the right thing?
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