I've always been selfish, so I can't say I get it. [ it's a bit wry, and definitely sounds like an inside joke with himself ] But I know plenty of people who care a lot less what happens to them than they do their friends. Right or wrong... I think there's flaws both ways.
[ he puts a hand to his own chest ]
You can lose a lot if you only think about yourself. But... If you don't care about yourself at all, that hurts the people around you anyway. [ he shrugs ] But you know that much, right? So... Why is it you don't care if anything happens to you?
[ He knows. People keep telling him, after all, about how much he's hurting others by disregarding himself. They keep trying to get through that thick skull of his, but... He can see that they're hurting, but he just can't care. ]
I guess it's because I'm not supposed to exist. Right before coming here, I— ...no, even before that... ten years ago. I was supposed to have died. I wasn't ever happy. Nothing was interesting. So I have nothing to lose, no matter what happened to me.
[ ... isn't that somewhat familiar, huh. he stays quiet to let minato talk. before he shares anything, he figures he might need... a little more context. ]
...Car accident. [ which, you know, maybe should've prompted him to wear his seat belt with Naminé from the start, and maybe he wouldn't have gotten into the second one ]
My parents died in it. And I sort of... got an immortal being shoved into my soul instead? It's kind of complicated.
[ He's pretty sure about that, less about his own situation. ]
I don't really understand all that well about the possession thing, but it's sort of like... the only reason I kept going all this time, was because there was something else there, telling me to. Screwing with my mind, or whatever.
[ ...Minato makes the heart shape with his hands too, like that'll help him understand any better. ]
I sorta get that. Feeling like I don't have a metaphysical heart... But yeah, I killed the soul monster. ...He was my best friend. My first friend. The closest thing to a friend.
[ Killing a friend, there's no way it could be anything but complicated. ]
He gave me a choice. If he lives, the world goes to hell and he would destroy it in a month's time. If he dies— and I'm the only one who could kill him... the world will be left alone and will return to peace, for a couple more months. Then everybody dies anyways.
[ Laid out like that, the choice seems simple. But he had to kill his friend. People keep leaving him and dying on him and abandoning him and the one time he's able to make a friend, he's forced to push them away with his own hand. It's unfair, and it's complicated. ]
[ he doesn't think it sounds simple. even when presented with an easier version of it-- axel never was able to commit to picking one friend over another, even with their lives on the line. ]
... Talk about a rock and a hard place. Those were your only options?
[ Either he kills him or he doesn't, right? There's no state that's in between that, where nobody has to die... that's what he kept telling himself. ]
I don't know... I had a month to think about it, but I couldn't come up with a way to save everybody. That second option wasn't supposed to be an option in the first place, but I was given it... so at least people will be at peace before they die.
... I don't know. I don't even know if there was a right option at all for you. Sometimes, that's how it is. Not to pull the old life's unfair line on you, but... Things aren't always that black and white. [ he shrugs ] I think you picked what you thought was right. Even if it hurt a lot.
[ Depression versus... depression, but just a different version of it. ]
Like isolating yourself and not having anything to do with the world. Just existing... but if you don't interact with the world, that's not really existing. That sort of limbo? The feeling of nothingness.
Yeah. You got it. That nothingness... there's something comforting and easy to it, sure. [ easy's probably the wrong word for it, but. he's trying to be more metaphorical than his own experience really was. ] The opposite of it... It's tough, and exhausting, and a whole mess of complicated all the time. But I don't miss the nothingness, and who I was with it. You get what I'm saying?
[ Easy is a good way to put it, Minato thinks. Because when he's nothing, he doesn't have to think about anything, doesn't have to worry about anything, doesn't have to feel anything. It's a very safe thing to be, nothing. Nothing can hurt you; you won't be able to hurt anybody else, either. It's very safe.
It's also really fucking lonely. ]
...Yeah, I get it. Life is really such a pain, but the opposite of that... sometimes...
[ He sighs, rubbing at the back of his head. It's a tiring conversation, and there are a lot of reasons why he never talks about this stuff. ]
I've been in that nothingness for such a long time. I'm probably still... [ hm ] maybe 78% still in there, and I don't know how to get out.
[ Minato's normal comeback to that would be the fact that he doesn't have friends- couldn't claim to have any before a couple of months ago, when he was never around enough to make any sort of meaningful connection. But then there's this place and these people and it's only been a couple of weeks, barely over a month... And he has no excuse anymore. ]
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I get that. That sort of pain... I hurt for others all the time, but if it's myself... I really don't care. I know that's wrong. You know. Logically.
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[ he puts a hand to his own chest ]
You can lose a lot if you only think about yourself. But... If you don't care about yourself at all, that hurts the people around you anyway. [ he shrugs ] But you know that much, right? So... Why is it you don't care if anything happens to you?
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[ He knows. People keep telling him, after all, about how much he's hurting others by disregarding himself. They keep trying to get through that thick skull of his, but... He can see that they're hurting, but he just can't care. ]
I guess it's because I'm not supposed to exist. Right before coming here, I— ...no, even before that... ten years ago. I was supposed to have died. I wasn't ever happy. Nothing was interesting. So I have nothing to lose, no matter what happened to me.
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Whaddaya mean, you were "supposed to have died"?
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My parents died in it. And I sort of... got an immortal being shoved into my soul instead? It's kind of complicated.
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[ this is the best time to joke? always. ]
So you lived 'cause you got kinda possessed?
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[ He's pretty sure about that, less about his own situation. ]
I don't really understand all that well about the possession thing, but it's sort of like... the only reason I kept going all this time, was because there was something else there, telling me to. Screwing with my mind, or whatever.
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[ he makes a heart shape with his hands to make it weirder? ]
So ... is that thing gone now, then?
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I sorta get that. Feeling like I don't have a metaphysical heart... But yeah, I killed the soul monster. ...He was my best friend. My first friend. The closest thing to a friend.
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[ and so is minato's thing, apparently. he rubs the back of his neck ]
Why'd you do it?
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[ Killing a friend, there's no way it could be anything but complicated. ]
He gave me a choice. If he lives, the world goes to hell and he would destroy it in a month's time. If he dies— and I'm the only one who could kill him... the world will be left alone and will return to peace, for a couple more months. Then everybody dies anyways.
[ Laid out like that, the choice seems simple. But he had to kill his friend. People keep leaving him and dying on him and abandoning him and the one time he's able to make a friend, he's forced to push them away with his own hand. It's unfair, and it's complicated. ]
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... Talk about a rock and a hard place. Those were your only options?
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I don't know... I had a month to think about it, but I couldn't come up with a way to save everybody. That second option wasn't supposed to be an option in the first place, but I was given it... so at least people will be at peace before they die.
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Did I do the right thing?
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... I don't know. I don't even know if there was a right option at all for you. Sometimes, that's how it is. Not to pull the old life's unfair line on you, but... Things aren't always that black and white. [ he shrugs ] I think you picked what you thought was right. Even if it hurt a lot.
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[ That's basically how it always is, though. ]
It feels cold to just move on... but having to go through a redemption arc sounds tiring too.
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Believe me, it is. [ it's wry. ] But from experience? It was a lot better than the alternative.
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[ axel that's depression ]
The alternative of... giving up and bein' lonely, I guess. Not sure how else to put it.
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Like isolating yourself and not having anything to do with the world. Just existing... but if you don't interact with the world, that's not really existing. That sort of limbo? The feeling of nothingness.
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It's also really fucking lonely. ]
...Yeah, I get it. Life is really such a pain, but the opposite of that... sometimes...
[ He sighs, rubbing at the back of his head. It's a tiring conversation, and there are a lot of reasons why he never talks about this stuff. ]
I've been in that nothingness for such a long time. I'm probably still... [ hm ] maybe 78% still in there, and I don't know how to get out.
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[ if it wasn't for roxas and xion... or even just that first encounter with sora... who knows what would've happened to him. ]
There's no shame in asking for help from a friend or two.
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Will you help me?
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