[for the record - and this explanation makes sense. she falters a little bit here, and it's obvious in her expression that she's torn.]
But Ookurikara told me about Mary too... I feel just as awful as anyone else - that we weren't able to help her, because we had no way to, and she had to go through something so terrifying... but why did you choose to hide it then too?
[ ... he rubs the back of his neck. why did he tell ookurikara. god. ]
... If we're speaking of people who've died before... [ he sighs ] She was scared, and convinced she'd be killed for "being bad" again. [ the implication that she reminded him of xion is staying as an implication, because he shrugs, as if that's all that needs to be said on that. it. clearly is not, but. ] Turned out she wasn't exactly wrong.
She wasn't - but there might be a way to bring her back. And that way she wouldn't have had to kill anyone else, or be trapped by an entity that wasn't really her.
I didn't exactly know that stuff back then. By the time I was sure it was her, should I have said something? Probably. But everyone seemed convinced even without that, and I couldn't bring myself to... I don't know. [ he waves it off ] It didn't feel right, but nothing did anyway.
... I don't know if I understand - but I'm not sure if I would unless I was in your position.
[if they had so little information to work off of, if they didn't know what would happen once they found the corrupted. would she have hesitated, if it was yona? the fact that she can't find a clear answer for it bothers her, and says more than she'd like to admit.]
... you really let your feelings rule you.
[but she feels bad saying that too - how many times had she been told to cool her head by her father? it rings more loudly in her head now than it usually does]
Why did you have to make it so... difficult to believe in you?
[because even if she can see his point of view - even if she wants to forgive him... ah, she doesn't know what to say]
[ that comment, about letting his feelings rule him... it makes him laugh, low and amused, like an inside joke. Because it is, isn't it? But he doesn't say anything about it. Following his heart still feels like a safer bet than the stuff he did without it, all in all.
But he loses the humor at her question, frowning in thought. It's not like that's something he's ever thought about. ]
... I dunno. I wasn't aware you wanted to.
[ it's meant as a joke, but it's not exactly funny ]
[ . . . maybe it's something that she only thinks about then - that only she expects. she glances back down to the ground for a moment and. if he's bothered to be honest with her, then maybe she ought to return the favor. is that fair?]
... I don't know about a lot of things still, and I'm not good with people. Every time I tried to understand more about the world, or help, I would be locked in my room. I thought for a long time that other people would just try to use me as a pawn, or only cared about my political position.
I only have one friend... and I believe in her more than anyone, because she reached her hand out to me... but because I thought that's what friends do.
[she glances off to the side]
I can't really tell if that's the case anymore. I don't want to think I misunderstood.
[ ... ah, geez. he rubs the back of his neck a little. ]
'Course you should believe in your friends. But that's not... the end-all, be-all of friendship, y'know? [ well, no. she doesn't. she just said so. he expands: ] Blindly believing in people isn't being their friend, it's being their lackey. Truth is, sometimes people mess up. And you don't gotta look past that because you're friends. Of all people, friends are the ones who should call each other out on stuff like that. You get what I'm saying?
[not entirely - but that's because lili's never had a friend before yona. or maybe it's more accurate to say that she's never been on this end. she's always the one messing up, making mistakes, putting people in danger. but yona would always reach a hand out to her and forgive her.
that realization is what gets lili to pause]
... then I'm calling you out. [even if she won't say they're friends again yet] If you act that rashly again, Ookurikara might cut you down before I even get to say anything.
[ . . . she wants to say that it's not like she was personally offended - but she already admitted to him that she was. it stung, and even now she still struggles with what she's learned.]
... I've done things that are irrational too.
[and she's put other people in danger, even if it was an accident. she regretted it after, and she doesn't know if she has the grace to forgive him, and trust him again. but she can at least try to meet him a bit more halfway.]
I don't know if I can trust you again yet... but I accept your apology.
Yeah. 'Course I am. I haven't given up on bringing everyone back.
[ well. he could do without hisoka, but. he pauses, clearly hesitating. He hadn't started off this conversation thinking he'd share this, but if it makes her feel better...? ]
To tell you the truth... part of the reason Shess defended me so much might be because I'm the one behind the item stuff we get.
[the truth is that it's part of the reason why she was mad at him
because if he does reckless things, it makes it harder to trust him. it ruins his reputation. it puts him in danger. they're all things that lili didn't want to care about, once she found out about mary - but she still does. because she can't kill her heart quite the same way that others can.]
I can't speak for him...
But don't just write the idea off so quickly or I'll get mad. [ . . . ] Again.
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It's not like I want to be mad at you.
[for the record - and this explanation makes sense. she falters a little bit here, and it's obvious in her expression that she's torn.]
But Ookurikara told me about Mary too... I feel just as awful as anyone else - that we weren't able to help her, because we had no way to, and she had to go through something so terrifying... but why did you choose to hide it then too?
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... If we're speaking of people who've died before... [ he sighs ] She was scared, and convinced she'd be killed for "being bad" again. [ the implication that she reminded him of xion is staying as an implication, because he shrugs, as if that's all that needs to be said on that. it. clearly is not, but. ] Turned out she wasn't exactly wrong.
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She wasn't - but there might be a way to bring her back. And that way she wouldn't have had to kill anyone else, or be trapped by an entity that wasn't really her.
... or was that choice not rational either?
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[ but that's more a casual observation ]
I didn't exactly know that stuff back then. By the time I was sure it was her, should I have said something? Probably. But everyone seemed convinced even without that, and I couldn't bring myself to... I don't know. [ he waves it off ] It didn't feel right, but nothing did anyway.
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[if they had so little information to work off of, if they didn't know what would happen once they found the corrupted. would she have hesitated, if it was yona? the fact that she can't find a clear answer for it bothers her, and says more than she'd like to admit.]
... you really let your feelings rule you.
[but she feels bad saying that too - how many times had she been told to cool her head by her father? it rings more loudly in her head now than it usually does]
Why did you have to make it so... difficult to believe in you?
[because even if she can see his point of view - even if she wants to forgive him... ah, she doesn't know what to say]
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But he loses the humor at her question, frowning in thought. It's not like that's something he's ever thought about. ]
... I dunno. I wasn't aware you wanted to.
[ it's meant as a joke, but it's not exactly funny ]
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... I don't know about a lot of things still, and I'm not good with people. Every time I tried to understand more about the world, or help, I would be locked in my room. I thought for a long time that other people would just try to use me as a pawn, or only cared about my political position.
I only have one friend... and I believe in her more than anyone, because she reached her hand out to me... but because I thought that's what friends do.
[she glances off to the side]
I can't really tell if that's the case anymore. I don't want to think I misunderstood.
[but maybe she did]
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'Course you should believe in your friends. But that's not... the end-all, be-all of friendship, y'know? [ well, no. she doesn't. she just said so. he expands: ] Blindly believing in people isn't being their friend, it's being their lackey. Truth is, sometimes people mess up. And you don't gotta look past that because you're friends. Of all people, friends are the ones who should call each other out on stuff like that. You get what I'm saying?
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that realization is what gets lili to pause]
... then I'm calling you out. [even if she won't say they're friends again yet] If you act that rashly again, Ookurikara might cut you down before I even get to say anything.
I don't want that to happen.
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I'd rather it not happen, either. [ there's a pause, before: ] Hey, look... I'm sorry.
[ because he doesn't think he's apologized to her yet. ]
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... I've done things that are irrational too.
[and she's put other people in danger, even if it was an accident. she regretted it after, and she doesn't know if she has the grace to forgive him, and trust him again. but she can at least try to meet him a bit more halfway.]
I don't know if I can trust you again yet... but I accept your apology.
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[ it's candid, because he feels like she-- deserves it, maybe. ]
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ugh.
that makes her falter some more and she wonders again - is she being a hypocrite? is this doing what's right? but...]
... you're still doing your best for people, right...? I'm still mad at you for possibly endangering others but...
I've made mistakes and decisions that put my important people in danger. It's scary.
[so she can't hold it against him to not want to have to face that weight]
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[ well. he could do without hisoka, but. he pauses, clearly hesitating. He hadn't started off this conversation thinking he'd share this, but if it makes her feel better...? ]
To tell you the truth... part of the reason Shess defended me so much might be because I'm the one behind the item stuff we get.
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You're - what?
[god dammit zia]
So the foods...?
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[ he shrugs ]
It's a random choice every week, I've just lucked out for the most part.
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[ . . . ugh. she frowns a little bit]
I can understand that too, then. At least you've been using everything you've gotten to try to aid others....
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[ this is clearly not what this is about ]
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[that was axel's doing]
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[she doesn't look convinced but oh well]
... well - thank you for your help anyway.
I don't know if that's entirely the reason why Shess defends you so much but... it is admittedly a good one....
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[ he shrugs a little ]
It might not be the whole reason, but it's gotta be a big part of it.
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[because they're not friends? they're totally not friends anymore.]
But I don't think you realize how many people actually look to you for things... so do us all a favor and open up your eyes a little when you can.
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And you think Shess is one of those? C'mon.
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because if he does reckless things, it makes it harder to trust him. it ruins his reputation. it puts him in danger. they're all things that lili didn't want to care about, once she found out about mary - but she still does. because she can't kill her heart quite the same way that others can.]
I can't speak for him...
But don't just write the idea off so quickly or I'll get mad. [ . . . ] Again.
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