[ "helped namine through a hard time". is that what she'd told her when asked? that pulls a wry smile to his face.
but... ]
I couldn't tell ya. [ for one thing, he hadn't thought that was quite accurate after this weekend. for another... ] Anything I've done to gain Shess's trust isn't exactly something I can go around blabbing about. Sorta defeats the purpose, you know?
[ like, not that he doesn't deserve it, but. just a casual yeouch. anyway, more seriously, he frowns a bit. ]
We've both shared secrets, yeah. But the cover thing isn't... that straightforward.
[ for example, axel does not mention that if shess had snapped and killed hisoka without corruption he would've absolutely covered for that, because that seems like a bad time to mention this? ]
... a friend wouldn't lie to me, or betray the trust I place in them. It's happened twice here now.
[and maybe the first time wasn't axel's fault, but also. just given how lili is... it's hard for her to be okay with it, and it stings more that it's someone that she wanted to believe in.
maybe some part of her is more upset than angry - but it's easier for her to feel one over the other]
Naminé said that it's because of something that happened between you and Xion before... but would you even tell me if I asked?
Yeah. [ ... ] Fact is, a bunch of people decided her not existing was better than the alternative. That it was what was best for everyone. It's an easy choice, right? Her existence was dangerous to multiple people. Better to just end it.
[ wow this might sound familiar. or bitter. it's mostly bitter. he looks at his clenched fist and sighs ]
... For a while, even I was convinced it was the right thing to do. So was Xion. But it never felt right.
I'm not gonna pretend it was rational. And I'm not gonna pretend... part of it's not that maybe I'm the one who didn't trust Shess as much as I should've. Maybe I'm just trying to make up for not being able to help her back then. For not-- [ for not even remembering, after. he stops. ] Look, Naminé told you the truth. It's because of what went down back then. But all that is is an explanation.
[for the record - and this explanation makes sense. she falters a little bit here, and it's obvious in her expression that she's torn.]
But Ookurikara told me about Mary too... I feel just as awful as anyone else - that we weren't able to help her, because we had no way to, and she had to go through something so terrifying... but why did you choose to hide it then too?
[ ... he rubs the back of his neck. why did he tell ookurikara. god. ]
... If we're speaking of people who've died before... [ he sighs ] She was scared, and convinced she'd be killed for "being bad" again. [ the implication that she reminded him of xion is staying as an implication, because he shrugs, as if that's all that needs to be said on that. it. clearly is not, but. ] Turned out she wasn't exactly wrong.
She wasn't - but there might be a way to bring her back. And that way she wouldn't have had to kill anyone else, or be trapped by an entity that wasn't really her.
I didn't exactly know that stuff back then. By the time I was sure it was her, should I have said something? Probably. But everyone seemed convinced even without that, and I couldn't bring myself to... I don't know. [ he waves it off ] It didn't feel right, but nothing did anyway.
... I don't know if I understand - but I'm not sure if I would unless I was in your position.
[if they had so little information to work off of, if they didn't know what would happen once they found the corrupted. would she have hesitated, if it was yona? the fact that she can't find a clear answer for it bothers her, and says more than she'd like to admit.]
... you really let your feelings rule you.
[but she feels bad saying that too - how many times had she been told to cool her head by her father? it rings more loudly in her head now than it usually does]
Why did you have to make it so... difficult to believe in you?
[because even if she can see his point of view - even if she wants to forgive him... ah, she doesn't know what to say]
[ that comment, about letting his feelings rule him... it makes him laugh, low and amused, like an inside joke. Because it is, isn't it? But he doesn't say anything about it. Following his heart still feels like a safer bet than the stuff he did without it, all in all.
But he loses the humor at her question, frowning in thought. It's not like that's something he's ever thought about. ]
... I dunno. I wasn't aware you wanted to.
[ it's meant as a joke, but it's not exactly funny ]
[ . . . maybe it's something that she only thinks about then - that only she expects. she glances back down to the ground for a moment and. if he's bothered to be honest with her, then maybe she ought to return the favor. is that fair?]
... I don't know about a lot of things still, and I'm not good with people. Every time I tried to understand more about the world, or help, I would be locked in my room. I thought for a long time that other people would just try to use me as a pawn, or only cared about my political position.
I only have one friend... and I believe in her more than anyone, because she reached her hand out to me... but because I thought that's what friends do.
[she glances off to the side]
I can't really tell if that's the case anymore. I don't want to think I misunderstood.
[ ... ah, geez. he rubs the back of his neck a little. ]
'Course you should believe in your friends. But that's not... the end-all, be-all of friendship, y'know? [ well, no. she doesn't. she just said so. he expands: ] Blindly believing in people isn't being their friend, it's being their lackey. Truth is, sometimes people mess up. And you don't gotta look past that because you're friends. Of all people, friends are the ones who should call each other out on stuff like that. You get what I'm saying?
[not entirely - but that's because lili's never had a friend before yona. or maybe it's more accurate to say that she's never been on this end. she's always the one messing up, making mistakes, putting people in danger. but yona would always reach a hand out to her and forgive her.
that realization is what gets lili to pause]
... then I'm calling you out. [even if she won't say they're friends again yet] If you act that rashly again, Ookurikara might cut you down before I even get to say anything.
[ . . . she wants to say that it's not like she was personally offended - but she already admitted to him that she was. it stung, and even now she still struggles with what she's learned.]
... I've done things that are irrational too.
[and she's put other people in danger, even if it was an accident. she regretted it after, and she doesn't know if she has the grace to forgive him, and trust him again. but she can at least try to meet him a bit more halfway.]
I don't know if I can trust you again yet... but I accept your apology.
Yeah. 'Course I am. I haven't given up on bringing everyone back.
[ well. he could do without hisoka, but. he pauses, clearly hesitating. He hadn't started off this conversation thinking he'd share this, but if it makes her feel better...? ]
To tell you the truth... part of the reason Shess defended me so much might be because I'm the one behind the item stuff we get.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
but... ]
I couldn't tell ya. [ for one thing, he hadn't thought that was quite accurate after this weekend. for another... ] Anything I've done to gain Shess's trust isn't exactly something I can go around blabbing about. Sorta defeats the purpose, you know?
no subject
[AT LEAST NOT THAT LILI THINKS]
I don't even need the details. Do you keep secrets for him? Would you cover for him too? Is it more of your attempts at friendship?
[shE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND]
no subject
[ like, not that he doesn't deserve it, but. just a casual yeouch. anyway, more seriously, he frowns a bit. ]
We've both shared secrets, yeah. But the cover thing isn't... that straightforward.
[ for example, axel does not mention that if shess had snapped and killed hisoka without corruption he would've absolutely covered for that, because that seems like a bad time to mention this? ]
no subject
which she hates.]
... a friend wouldn't lie to me, or betray the trust I place in them. It's happened twice here now.
[and maybe the first time wasn't axel's fault, but also. just given how lili is... it's hard for her to be okay with it, and it stings more that it's someone that she wanted to believe in.
maybe some part of her is more upset than angry - but it's easier for her to feel one over the other]
Naminé said that it's because of something that happened between you and Xion before... but would you even tell me if I asked?
no subject
"You've just gotta trust me, Roxas." "I don't."
when he speaks it's soft, and he's not looking at lili when he says it. ]
... Xion's died before. [ it's matter of fact. ]
no subject
that manages to get her to pause, her eyes widening.]
She's... what?
[that girl that she met? who seems like she's still learning about so much, and is even younger than lili is?]
no subject
[ wow this might sound familiar. or bitter. it's mostly bitter. he looks at his clenched fist and sighs ]
... For a while, even I was convinced it was the right thing to do. So was Xion. But it never felt right.
no subject
. . . but her expression at least shifts from something anxious to more contemplative, like she's thinking about it.]
... you know this wasn't that, don't you? That Shess had a way to save her, that wouldn't end in her death?
[because lili can't fault anyone for wanting to stay alive - even if she thinks that it's harder, when someone can unknowingly hurt others.
but there had been an out in the trial - a certain way to save the corrupted]
no subject
[ he sighs ]
I'm not gonna pretend it was rational. And I'm not gonna pretend... part of it's not that maybe I'm the one who didn't trust Shess as much as I should've. Maybe I'm just trying to make up for not being able to help her back then. For not-- [ for not even remembering, after. he stops. ] Look, Naminé told you the truth. It's because of what went down back then. But all that is is an explanation.
no subject
It's not like I want to be mad at you.
[for the record - and this explanation makes sense. she falters a little bit here, and it's obvious in her expression that she's torn.]
But Ookurikara told me about Mary too... I feel just as awful as anyone else - that we weren't able to help her, because we had no way to, and she had to go through something so terrifying... but why did you choose to hide it then too?
no subject
... If we're speaking of people who've died before... [ he sighs ] She was scared, and convinced she'd be killed for "being bad" again. [ the implication that she reminded him of xion is staying as an implication, because he shrugs, as if that's all that needs to be said on that. it. clearly is not, but. ] Turned out she wasn't exactly wrong.
no subject
She wasn't - but there might be a way to bring her back. And that way she wouldn't have had to kill anyone else, or be trapped by an entity that wasn't really her.
... or was that choice not rational either?
no subject
[ but that's more a casual observation ]
I didn't exactly know that stuff back then. By the time I was sure it was her, should I have said something? Probably. But everyone seemed convinced even without that, and I couldn't bring myself to... I don't know. [ he waves it off ] It didn't feel right, but nothing did anyway.
no subject
[if they had so little information to work off of, if they didn't know what would happen once they found the corrupted. would she have hesitated, if it was yona? the fact that she can't find a clear answer for it bothers her, and says more than she'd like to admit.]
... you really let your feelings rule you.
[but she feels bad saying that too - how many times had she been told to cool her head by her father? it rings more loudly in her head now than it usually does]
Why did you have to make it so... difficult to believe in you?
[because even if she can see his point of view - even if she wants to forgive him... ah, she doesn't know what to say]
no subject
But he loses the humor at her question, frowning in thought. It's not like that's something he's ever thought about. ]
... I dunno. I wasn't aware you wanted to.
[ it's meant as a joke, but it's not exactly funny ]
no subject
... I don't know about a lot of things still, and I'm not good with people. Every time I tried to understand more about the world, or help, I would be locked in my room. I thought for a long time that other people would just try to use me as a pawn, or only cared about my political position.
I only have one friend... and I believe in her more than anyone, because she reached her hand out to me... but because I thought that's what friends do.
[she glances off to the side]
I can't really tell if that's the case anymore. I don't want to think I misunderstood.
[but maybe she did]
no subject
'Course you should believe in your friends. But that's not... the end-all, be-all of friendship, y'know? [ well, no. she doesn't. she just said so. he expands: ] Blindly believing in people isn't being their friend, it's being their lackey. Truth is, sometimes people mess up. And you don't gotta look past that because you're friends. Of all people, friends are the ones who should call each other out on stuff like that. You get what I'm saying?
no subject
that realization is what gets lili to pause]
... then I'm calling you out. [even if she won't say they're friends again yet] If you act that rashly again, Ookurikara might cut you down before I even get to say anything.
I don't want that to happen.
no subject
I'd rather it not happen, either. [ there's a pause, before: ] Hey, look... I'm sorry.
[ because he doesn't think he's apologized to her yet. ]
no subject
... I've done things that are irrational too.
[and she's put other people in danger, even if it was an accident. she regretted it after, and she doesn't know if she has the grace to forgive him, and trust him again. but she can at least try to meet him a bit more halfway.]
I don't know if I can trust you again yet... but I accept your apology.
no subject
[ it's candid, because he feels like she-- deserves it, maybe. ]
no subject
ugh.
that makes her falter some more and she wonders again - is she being a hypocrite? is this doing what's right? but...]
... you're still doing your best for people, right...? I'm still mad at you for possibly endangering others but...
I've made mistakes and decisions that put my important people in danger. It's scary.
[so she can't hold it against him to not want to have to face that weight]
no subject
[ well. he could do without hisoka, but. he pauses, clearly hesitating. He hadn't started off this conversation thinking he'd share this, but if it makes her feel better...? ]
To tell you the truth... part of the reason Shess defended me so much might be because I'm the one behind the item stuff we get.
no subject
You're - what?
[god dammit zia]
So the foods...?
no subject
[ he shrugs ]
It's a random choice every week, I've just lucked out for the most part.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)